I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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