Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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