I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
