Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
