Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
