He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
