I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
