Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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