I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
a search helicopter?!
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
