The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
