my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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