Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
