So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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