First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
