your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
