You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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