Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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