you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
