I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
