okay pat passed out under dana's car
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
