the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
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I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
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At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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