he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
