Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
