This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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