Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
