We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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