Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
