Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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