sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner