GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
