I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times