ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
