U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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