I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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