Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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