I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
