Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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