i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
how does that bad decision feel?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
