he was CRYING into my vagina
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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