I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
