Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
