you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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