Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
