apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
