Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
