I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
