you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
