Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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