what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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