Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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