Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
