she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The struggles of a small town man whore
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
