I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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