Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
