The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
