Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so let's talk penis.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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