I hate all girls vehemently.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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