These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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